The judge to the defendant:
“Defendant, you are sentenced to 12 years in prison. Do you want to add something?”
“No sir, I would like to subtract!”
At an exhibition, a visitor stops to admire a painting and wonders aloud:
– Is it sunrise or sunset?
A man nearby hears and answers:
– It’s sunset.
– How do you know?
– I know the artist. He never wakes up before lunchtime.
– What’s for dinner?
– Nothing!
– Well, there was nothing yesterday too!
– You are right, I have prepared enough for two days!
A dog thinks: “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be Gods!“
A cat thinks: “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a God!“
Looking at some dinosaur bones in the Natural History Museum, a tourist asks the guard:
“How old are they?”
The guard replies:
“73 million, four years and six months.”
“How do you know their ages so precisely?”
“Well”, replies the guard, “they were seventy-three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
Sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears.
Sometimes when you’re hurt, no one feels your pain.
But fart just one time …
Wife to husband:
“I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?”
“The good news.”
“The good news is that the car’s airbag worked perfectly.”
The hot new toy this season is “Divorce Barbie”. It costs a whopping $299. But it comes with Ken’s friends, Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat …