What do you call it when everything is perfect? Imagination.
I told my boss three companies are after me and I need an increase in salary. He asked what companies, and I told him: electricity, gas and water.
Marriage is a relationship in which someone is always right and the other is the husband.
Wife to husband: “I did not interrupt you when you were listening, please don’t interrupt me when I am talking!”
Woman is late at work: “Sorry I am late, I had to talk to my husband and he couldn’t stop listening!”
Wife to husband:
“Honey, you trust me, right? And you know I would never lie to you?”
“Certainly!”
“Well, a concrete wall attacked my car in the mall parking lot!”
Wife to husband: “Yesterday I left two bottles of beer in the fridge. Why is there only one now?”
Husband: “Because I did not see it!”
After the religious service:
“Miracle! I am walking!”
“Tell us, how did it happen?”
“Somebody stole my car!”
Girlfriends:
“I heard you reconciled with your husband.”
“Yes, I could not bear to see him happy.”
“How do I get to the post office, please?”
“Do you have a car?”
“No.”
“Then, go on foot.”