A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. As part of the final arrangements she met with her priest to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted. She told the priest she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindgales.
“Bloomingdales!” the priest said. “Why Bloomingdales?”
“That way, I know my daughters will visit me at least twice a week.”
A little guy sat in a cafe one day eating his lunch. Three Hells Angels bikers walked into the cafe and decided to have some fun with the little guy. They sat at his table. One of them took his coffee and drank it down. The next one took his sandwich away and ate it down. The third Hells Angel took the little guy’s pie and ate it down.
Without saying a word, the little guy got up, went to the cash register, paid his bill, and left.
One of the Hells Angels looked at the waitress, and said
“Did you see that? We took away his coffee, his sandwich, and his pie! And he didn’t say a word! He sure ain’t much of a man!”
The waitress turned to them and said
“He ain’t much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over three motorcycles in the parking lot!”
In cricket, the first testicular guard was used in 1870s and the helmet became commonplace in 1970s. It took men 100 years to realize the brain is also important.
Grammar time: the teacher:
“I eat, you eat, he or she eats. We eat, you eat, they eat. Johnny, can you please repeat?”
“Everyone eats!”
What is the easiest way for a woman to lose 10 pounds?
She leaves the purse at home.
The mother asks her 9 years old son:
“What gift do you have for your grandma this Christmas?”
“A football.”
“Football? She doesn’t play football!”
“She started it; she gave me books last year!”
“Do you know why elephants have red eyes?”
“No, why?”
“So they can hide in a cherry tree. But have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?”
“No!”
“See how well they can hide?”
Two women are talking:
“Yesterday my husband saw a cockroach in the kitchen and he scrubbed every corner three times. Tomorrow I will put the bug in the washroom.”
Never underestimate the creativity of a determined woman!
I was in a job interview for a sales position when the manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try and sell this to me.”
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually, he called me and said, “Bring it back here right now!”
I said, “$100 and it’s yours.”
Vegan diet:
“I see you lost a lot of weight, what’s our secret?”
“I am following a strict vegan diet. Carrots, onion, cabbage, beets, potatoes, etc.”
“How interesting! And do you steam, sauté or grill them?”
“I dig and weed”.