My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying
“It doesn’t work anymore, I am going to my mom’s”.
I opened the fridge. The light came on, the beer was cold. What is she talking about?
Husband to wife: “You should learn to embrace your mistakes”. At which she hugged him immediately.
The wife came home screeching the car into the driveway and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted excitedly:
“Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery!”
Husband: “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
“Doesn’t matter. Just get out.”
Teacher: “How old is your father?”
Student: “6 years old”
Teacher: “That is not possible, he must be older”
Student: “No, he became a father only when I was born”
Teacher: “John, go to the map and find North America”.
John: “Here it is”
Teacher to the class: “Who discovered North America?”
Class chorus: “John!”
Deep thought:
- Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
- Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
- I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash.
- A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.
- Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.
- Bad politicians are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
- Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Pun intended:
“No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery”.
“I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin’ awareness”.
“I saw an ad for burial plots, but that’s the last thing I need”.
“Police were summoned to a day-care center where a three-year old was resisting a rest”.
“A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail”.
“England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool”.
“French pancakes give me the crepes”.
“Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who could not control her pupils?”
“I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me”.
“I was wondering why that frisbee was getting bigger. Then it hit me.”