The girl calls her boyfriend at work:
“Can you talk?”
“Yes, my love!”
“Ok, then listen:…”

In the store, woman to the cashier: “I am looking for my husband”
Smarty-pants cashier: “Sorry, we don’t sell husbands here!”
Woman: “Of course not, you would get a lot of returns!”

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

How to find out if others see you as old or not: Fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young. If they panic, you’re old.

It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

Marriage:

Husband: I feel ready to give you the Moon and the stars!
Wife: If you go out anyway, take the garbage bag too.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?”
Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”

Doctor: “What seems to be the biggest issue?”
Woman: “My husband. But I came to you for my cold.”

Two friends:
“I don’t want to hear I didn’t warn you!”
“Warn about what ?!?”
“My wife went shopping today and plans to show tonight what she bought to your wife.”

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