Doctor, I fractured my foot in two places! What shall I do?
Do you know where these places are?
Yes.
Well, be careful when you go there.
During the trial:
And you say that the wallet you took seemed familiar?
No sir, but I knew the notes inside very well.
My grandfather used to predict the weather. Every morning he woke up early, got out, looked at the sky and said: “Today it will either rain, or not.” He was right every time.
Banks should do a better job filling their ATMs. This is the fifth one I use today that says “insufficient funds”.
When the kid was 10 years old the mother thought something was wrong and she made one of those DNA tests. Horrified with the results, she went to her husband: “This is not our kid!”. “You don’t remember, do you. When we left the hospital 10 years ago the baby pooped and you told me to change it. So I went back in and I took a clean one”.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture: “In English a double negative is a positive. There are languages where a double negative is still a negative. But there is no language where a double positive becomes a negative“. From the last row: “Yeah, right”.
My great-grandpa knew that the Titanic would sink. He tried to warn people, but nobody listened. That didn’t phase him, HE KEPT ON WARNING PEOPLE, until they finally kicked him out of the movie theater.
I started a healthy diet. I don’t use salt on my ice cream, I eat decaffeinated pizza and drink non fat beer.
The trouble with living alone is that it’s always my turn to do the dishes.
The world is full of weirdos. For example, I saw this guy today at Starbucks. No laptop, no phone, no tablet. He was just sitting at a table drinking coffee.