All electronic equipment works with smoke. That is why as soon as you see the smoke coming out, you can rest assured the equipment is no longer working.
A guy walked into his friend’s office.
He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.
“Hey, what’s up with you?,” he asked.
“Oh, its my wife,” replied the man sadly. “She’s hired a new secretary for me.”
“Well, nothing wrong in that,” he said, “Is she blonde or brunette?”
“Neither. He’s bald.”
– What tattoo do you want? It has to be something you will always like.
– Well, then, spaghetti and meatballs!
Husband, watching TV: “A man’s home is his castle, and he is the king!”
Wife, giving him the plunger: “Ok, here is your scepter, your throne is clogged”.
They say over 90% of your body weight is water. I am not fat. I am flooded!
Did you notice that grape soda never tastes like grapes? On the other hand, it really tastes purple …
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin.
As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee.
“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, Gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.”
Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case they get a hole in one!
Q: What causes dry skin?
A: A towel.
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: “I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
“I want you each to keep your eye on this watch. It’s been in my family for six generations”
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“SH * T!” said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
When you see that a supermarket salami contains emulsifiers, artificial colors, soy and nitrates, you think that it is healthier to eat a soap that contains honey, coconut oil and fruit seeds.
A fat guy goes to the gym. The attendant is somewhat puzzled:
– I see you don’t really care how much you eat, don’t you?
– No, I don’t.
– Do you drink too?
– Oh yes, I do.
– And you probably smoke, right?
– Yes.
– And you want to kick out all these bad habits, right?
– No, I don’t.
– Then why did you come to the gym?
– I need to install your AC unit.
It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs and trip over nothing. I am proud to confess I have those skills.
When we’re young, we sneak out of our homes to go to the party.
Later, we sneak out of the party to go home.
Q: What is the difference between a wife and a mistress?
A: You can complain about your wife to your mistress. Do you have the courage to try the opposite?
Zebra: is it white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?
Technical support call:
“I bought a computer from you yesterday, and it won’t turn on.”
“Did you press the big red button on the top?”
“Yes. Nothing happens.”
“Ok. Could you please try the cord at the back? Perhaps it is disconnected.”
“I’ll get a flashlight. Don’t go away. I’ll be fast”.
“Why do you need a flashlight?”
“It’s dark. We have no power.”