Healthy eating:
– Last Sunday I made broccoli, Monday cabbage, Tuesday beans, today spinach – what else can I prepare for you?
– My luggage. I’m moving!
My wife never complained until I got hearing aids.
Husband and wife have an argument and they decide to stop talking to each other. So in the evening when coming to bed the wife finds a written note “Wake me up please at 5am tomorrow”. Next morning the husband wakes up royally at 9am to see a note “It’s 5am. Wake up”.
Thoughts about the crisis:
The optimist: We are all going to beg for food!
The pessimist: From whom?
– Honey, I caught the bouquet!
– Oh, if you get married, how are we going to meet from now on?
Perfect British insult
An attractive woman was invited to a sit-down dinner where guests were expected to be punctual. She decided to make a late entrance to be better noticed. Upon arrival she expressed her apologies. The response was: “There is no need to apologize for being late. The fault is entirely ours for inviting you.”
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”