I am always using my step ladder; I have no idea where my real ladder is!
I would like to grow my own food, but nobody sells bacon seeds!
If you have a large home and have no idea where your kids are when they should be down for dinner, don’t despair and don’t chase after them. Turn off the WiFi and they’ll show up in no time.
People ask why I have a large collection of scissors. I tell them it is for the “shear” fun of it!
I had to get a new pair of scissors today. The old ones just weren’t cutting it
Scissors can’t be trusted. They always cut corners.
A young man enters a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a pregnancy test for his girlfriend:
– Sure, what kind? says the pharmacist.
– Negative please!
Wife: Why do you go to the balcony every time I start singing?
Husband: I want to make it clear it is not domestic violence.