I went to the liquor store on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave I realized that if I fell off the bicycle the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off my bicycle seven times on my way home.
A guy goes to the Animal Hospital with his pet mouse who is very quiet and doesn’t move. The vet looks at the mouse and says
“I am sorry for your loss but your pet has passed away“.
The owner, distraught:
“But you didn’t even look, perhaps it’s alive, just fainted?“
At which the vet goes out of the room and comes back with a Labrador and a Siamese cat. The dog looks at the mouse and lets out a howl, while the cat arches and hisses and is generally upset. The vet then says
“See, it is dead, no question about it“.
The owner reluctantly accepts the opinion and wants to pay, at which the vet says
“$1600 please“
“What, $1600 for what, you didn’t do anything!“
“If you would have accepted my first diagnosis it would have been only $20, but after the lab report and cat scan …“
A man was traveling on a train, looking at a pretty woman and smiling. The woman, after a while, comes to him and says
“Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place.“
The man, getting ideas, asks: “Are you single?“
“No, I’m a dentist.“