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Clean and Funny Jokes to Stitch Your Day With Smiles

Yesterday I saw a dude with a fishing rod outside my local pub fishing in a puddle. He looked so cold! So I said to him:
“Come in for a drink and to get a little warm!”
As we sipped our whiskey I thought I’d humor him and I asked
“How many did you catch?”.
To my surprise he said
“You are the 9th”.

Two friends:
“Did you find the perfect woman?”
“Yes, I did!”
“And why didn’t you get married?”
“Because unfortunately she also wants the perfect man.”

TV shopping:
“What kind of knife is that, it doesn’t cut even vegetables?”
“Safety knife from the TV shopping network. Specially built to avoid unwanted cuts”.

Two friends are talking.
– Look, it’s raining, and my wife left without an umbrella!
– Don’t worry, she will take shelter in a store somewhere.
– That is exactly what I am afraid of!

“We can offer you a job to start at $15 per hour, to increase to $20 per hour after one year”.
“Ok, then I will come back next year”.

A policeman stops a car for speeding:
“Your driver’s license please!”.
“God, make up your mind! You took it yesterday from me, now you want me to show it?”

At the pharmacy:
“I need some depilatory cream”.
“For what region?”
“New Jersey”.

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